thirtieth birthday

on your birthday
i remember you more.

i get only so close

you're an electric burner
still glowing
i can't touch
but stay close

i work a flat sketch
of memories
a slow building image
transmuting into what?
it's not you

rachel
(lower case like you signed it)
eye level in heels
what would you say beside me?
"cake!" is what.
cake! as you called me,

cake is the right thought on your birthday
and i am here on your birthday
and i think, happy birthday,
and i think of our parents
and of hannah and violet
and i treasure
what we had of each other

all those openings and closings of car doors

and now you, electric burner,
untouchable, glowing,
thirty.

i put the kettle on for tea.